stupid liars

so last weekend my wife got in an accident while backing out of a parking space. normally you’d think (and insurance companies think) she hit him, her fault, end of story. not necessarily.

see, my wife was backing out of her spot and this asshat decides to go around her. why? who knows? typical impatient LA driver? she hits the side of his car. (silver BMW vs silver BMW. in LA? what are the odds?) so the guy gets out of the car and is nice enough, but REEKS of alcohol. AND he is wearing the white iPod earbuds. (wtf, while driving? probably for his iPhone, but not sure having them in both ears is legal in CA) not acting drunk, but certainly hungover. they exchange info, my wife takes pictures of the whole scene. they try to get the police to come out and take a report. police won’t as apparently the donuts were hot and fresh.

so we call in to the insurance on Monday. give them all the info, send them the pics, all that stuff. they figure it’s probably a 30-70 split as to fault and as long as we’re under 50% at fault our rates don’t go up.

today they call and give us an update. they have the other driver’s statement and he claims that my wife whipped out of the space so quickly he couldn’t see her coming and had no time to stop or react.

hey, dumbass. you were probably too hungover to remember, but those pictures? the ones that show you clearly on the left side of the road, trying to pass? the ones showing only my wife’s front tire left in the parking space? yeah, didn’t think so.

even the insurance agent said he doesn’t see an issue since the pictures clearly show that the other driver’s lying.

Stupid hungover earbudwearing lying asshat driver.

and thank G-d for pictures.

backgammon

being a traditionalist, for our 5th anniversary I had to find something wooden. I found a beautiful handmade, inlaid backgammon set for my wife.

my 3 y.o. daughter just discovered the backgammon set over the weekend. she knows she isn’t to touch it or play with it yet. so of course that’s all she wants to do. she had a few questions for mom about it:

“It’s a backgammon board. Your dad gave it to me for our anniversary.”

“You mean your birthday?”

“No, I mean my anniversary”

“From when you were married?”

“Yes”

“Daddy sure is nice” (yes, he is)

“Yes, he is” (good answer)

“Will Daddy buy me one when I get older?”

“Yes, if you like backgammon”

“Will I need to be married?” (wha?)

“No, just older”

“Like you?”

“Yes, old like mommy” (O_o)

really, Disney?

you know the economy is rough when you get an offer from Disneyland to renew your annual passes… with a monthly payment option. wtfinsane?

(Disneyland relies a lot on SoCal locals for revenue)

Hassan Chop

okay, it was funny in the Bugs Bunny cartoon. This? This is just wrong. (not that that will keep me from linking to it)

“The couple in happier times, before Hassan removed his wife’s head.”

Evil and wrong.

respect

Last week I was reminded of a story my G-dfather told me years ago.

When J was growing up, it was in the middle on the 1960s- racial tensions abounded, neighbor “gangs” were rampant in the barrio. Respect was an important stock in trade and while it was a violent time, there were boundaries.

Once while he was with his friends, out to cause mischief of one kind or another they were stopped by police. One of the gang started talking shit to the gringo pig- what the fuck were they doing in their neighborhood? go home stoopid foocking gringo. he spat on the cop.

So at point you can imagine what might happen today. But this was a different time. The cop turned to his partner, then back: “you think you’re so fucking tough, eh? you think you can take me you little shit? wanna go?” at which point to cop took off his gun, baton and belt, as well as his badge, handing them to his partner. “come on, you and me”

And they went at it. Mano a mano. The cop gave the kid a sound beating as his friends looked on, stopping once it was clear he was down. Then he put his gear back on and told them to go home and get off the streets.

Which they did. Sure they were back out the next day, reigned in ever-so-slightly, and they had a whole hell of a lot of respect for the police.

Beer Fridays- Poor Man’s Black Velvet

Okay technically this is a “beer cocktail” but it’s oh so good.

A Poor Man’s Black Velvet. Now a proper Black Velvet is Guinness and sparkling white wine. Which just sounds disgusting to me. But the poor man’s version starts with hard cider. I’m not sure why that doesn’t creep me out like the wine, but it sounds good from the start.

Smooth, tasty and refreshing. Plus, since it’s made with Guinness and requires a small bit of skill to do the float on top of the cider, I can retain my masculinity.

Plus, embracing the other side of my heritage, I made pretzels. From scratch. I’ve done this before, but have never gotten anything close to a satisfying pretzel shape. But… out of a dozen attempts, there was one that was worthy. That’s my boy there on the right!:

(and yes, I had resorted to making pretzel rolls since my mutant pretzels were annoying me)

Tucking in

We have a routine when we put our 3 year old down for the night- she gives her mom and hug and kiss, then me and then she climbs into bed.

Last night? Hug and kiss mom. Hug and kiss dad. Pause at the bed. Pat mom on the head, then dad.

Pause again at the bed. (we exchange looks- wtf?!?)

Rub mom’s shoulder, then dad. Pause. Touch foreheads. Pause. Kiss our hands, then a final pause at the bed.

“I’m just making fun of you guys… because you’re silly.”

I want chocolate

I want chocolate! Preferably from Amedei or Michel Cluizel. (though Trader Joe’s may have to do)

That is all.

25 things

So I got hit on FB with this, so I figured I’d throw it up here, too.

1. Accidentally included, um… “private” honeymoon photos in a slideshow for the family. Luckily I was able to misdirect and forward through the pics without anyone but my wife noticing. At least no one said anything if they did notice.
2. I love and hate that my wife takes better pictures than I do. (yes, I’m jealous)
3. There are 6 different kinds of salt in my kitchen, but only two kinds of pepper.
4. I drive a Mini Cooper. At 6’5″ I have more room in it than most other cars. Just don’t expect to sit behind me.
5. The first dog I had all on my own I had to put down after 3 months because he had distemper. He was a rescue from a shelter that was later fined for cleanliness violations.
6. I am disappointed that while something special is coming on my birthday this year, it will apparently not include giant fake extraterrestrial squid.
7. Bloody Marys are not my drink of choice. Unless they are from the Madrona Bar & Grill in Roche Harbor. I loved theirs so much I took pictures and made notes in my notebook to try and “reverse-engineer” it.
8. I was almost jumped by a gang once, but was saved because I knew one of the members.
9. I have a lifetime membership to the NRA but have not shot a gun in over 10 years.
10. I dream of a world of tax revolt, where for one year everyone is paid their full wage and has to write a check for all of the taxes normally withheld. (dream on)
11. To look at my bar, you’d think I was a lush. But I’m not. I like variety. Well except the Laphroaig. What was I thinking?
12. I’ve had sex in a very public place. Once. Just kinda went there. Would have happened on another occasion if it wasn’t for the mosquitos cutting things short!
13. I “pulled the plug” on my father.
14. Aside from my mother I have no blood relatives on this continent.
15. I keep kosher. No, I’m not Jewish.
16. In the last 5 years, my taste buds must have changed. Things I could never stand have become favorites- Roquefort, anchovies, roe. (still can’t stomach tripe, though)
17. Almost lost my wife to DIC shortly after becoming a father. Now we laugh that almost every other episode of House mentions DIC in their differential.
18. While I regret that we will only have one child, I am thankful I am not a widower.
19. More than anything else from Germany, I miss real, good Bretzel. I’ve tried making my own, but it’s not the same. (though my Spätzle are pretty good)
20. I love to cook, especially things from Good Eats or the CIA. I won’t cook just for myself, though.
21. Backpacking through Yosemite I had gone ahead of my group and came across a group of naked women cooling off in a pool. We chatted for a while until they moved on. My friends didn’t believe me until we came across them later and they recognized me and said hi.
22. One of my favorite places I’ve been is the Staats-Irrenanstalt am Steinhof. Specifically the church. A beautiful art nouveau church on the grounds of an insane asylum makes me smile. (is that wrong?)
23. Scotland and Ireland are on my short list of places I’d like to visit. (and not just for the whiskey and Guinness)
24. I took dance classes. Once. With my wife, for our wedding. I’d like to take martial arts.
25. LOLcats make me laugh. They shouldn’t, but they do.

iowahawk proverbs

ahahahaha. Iowafuckinghawk does proverbs! brilliant stuff. I’ve excerpted a LOT of them, but go read to see the ones I left out.

love the Mulleti ones:

“Beware the eye of the tiger, for he is a survivor, and he knows many power ballads.”
Mulleti

“The tawny kitten writhes before the white snake.”
Mulleti

“The blue oyster does not fear the reaper.”
Mulleti

“Every rose has its thorn — made from poison.”
Mulleti

“Embrace the foreigner, for he only wants to know what love is.”
Mulleti

And some other favorites:

“If you want to travel fast, travel alone. If you want to travel far, travel together. If you want to travel in comfort, fake an ankle sprain and convince the other travelers to carry you.”
Ashanti

“Do not curse the crow who has stolen you chili; tomorrow his rectum will curse the dawn.”
Thai

“The happy man has two chickens; the wise man shares one with the man who has none. The prudent man reports the happy man to the authorities, so they can wise him up.”
Cuban

“Even the wisest turtle cannot understand the sea. Get real dude, he’s a fucking turtle.”
Samoan

“The clever old leopard does not fear double parking in Midtown, for his limo has UN plates and he has diplomatic immunity.”
Malawi

“The single lotus blossom that brushes against river jade can defeat an army of steel fire-dragon. Well, okay, maybe that’s just the opium talking.”
Chinese

“A wise man offers his millet to be shared among the village, for his gift will be repaid a thousand times in gratitude. A wiser man takes somebody else’s millet and offers it to the village. Guess what? Same gratitude, and extra millet for good ol’ numero uno.”
Ethiopian

“The loyal dog feasts, but the treacherous cat no can haz cheezburgr.”
Hungarian

“The power of the leader is like his loincloth: worn too tight it will ride up and chafe, worn too loose it will expose all his junk.”
Ibo